do you have this kind of friend?

I know this fella. I shall call him Lucky Bastard, LB.

LB is one of those fella who count on his charm to get his way through, and indeed charm he has. He has this next-door feel to him, the kind that you cannot say no to, the kind that you want to care for, the kind that is adorably fun to hang out with.

LB is mediocre in whatever he takes up, be it his studies or his work. He’s not fantastic at all. But LB is simply lucky, to have caring people around him. LB failed quite a number of essential subjects in his university days. LB is not all good in his work. But yet, he gets it his way, simply because he’s damn lucky. Things fall apart in his life is compensated by all else; his friends will help get it all through. Even his bosses will keep giving him chances.

I’m one of those friends around him, helping and assisting him in every way. It’s quite irrational, to keep on pushing him, ‘promoting’ him, helping him, but hey! that’s what friend is for…

But you know what, when things go all well, LB will just go. Disappear.

Perhaps it’s just that LB doesn’t know how much people has put in effort to keep kim floating, but once LB knows how to swim, he forget about his instructor, people ard that encourage him, and so on.

I don’t help people just to get something in return, but it’s a thin line there. The appreciation is simply not there, or at least it wasn’t in the air. That’s somehow’s frustration to me.

I don’t see LB as someone who take advantages of others, who comes around when only there’s something to gain, and that’s what frustrating…

I’ve many friends who do just that; they only call you up and say hi when they really need something. LB’s different… at least that’s what felt, and that’s why it’s sad to be treated by LB the same ways as those friends.

LB is someone whom I’ll describe as someone love to be hated.

i had a dream, which i don’t like, which i know will happen pretty soon

I believe in dreams.

It gives me a sense of de jayu alot of time, so much so that I’ve regarded my dreams as some divine force telling me to be prepared for some thing to come about.

Now, let me describe my dream, as far as I remember it.

It was a grand and good party.
It’s a party on a field, and on the street… It’s sort of a carnival kind, where there are performances, food, etc. Perhaps the best way to picture it is the Bon Odori event recently held. It’s grand-er, with alot more makan stalls, and there’s even sitting places to eat.

I don’t quite remember what’s my position, whether I’m the part of the organizing team, or am I just another visitor to the fun-fair. But there I was, feeling rather tired to due making some effort…

And at the same time, I was waiting for MY FRIEND to turn up. Let’s just call him WCC. I remembered feeling very lousy, as I was ‘working’ with strangers around me. But at the same time, I was having this hope that WCC would turn up early.

But as the event slowly coming to an end, I was feeling tired-ly burnt out, as I was waiting and waiting for WCC to come around. You see, the event took place some time in the evening, and I was around since 4 or 5 pm… So, by 9 or 10 pm, I was starving, tired and feeling rather down.

Then, I decided to take a walk around. Perhaps just to see how everything’s going, perhaps to try to enjoy myself. Then, I see WCC with his family, with his OTHER friends, sitting around, enjoying food, laughing away…

I could just feel my whole body crumbled there and then. I walked towards WCC, asked him to come with me to a corner, and I said: How com you never told me you coming?
And before waiting for answer, I walked away…
Then, WCC just held me and said some of the most mundane things… I wasn’t in the mood to talk, to feel, so say anything back anymore… I was feeling rather unhappy, rather angry as well…

WCC then accompanied me throughout the night, until the next morning.
I remembered that I wasn’t feeling particularly grateful; I was simply unhappy, as I looked on to the crowd, as they performed one of the last events, some school dance on the grass field. The formation and coordination were amazing, but I was simply too unhappy.

Then, I just turned to WCC and said, OK… Good bye, I got to go…
WCC gave me one of those puppy-look, but I wasn’t at all taken..

I slowly made my way home…

And that’s when I woke up, way before my alarm clock rang. I was feeling so down, that I couldn’t stop lighting up morning cigarettes… Even though it was working day, I wasn’t at all prepared to leave to go to work, but left for work I did.

I felt like shit. I really do.

I hate those kind of dreams, especially if WCC’s in the picture.

The whole dream bugged me the whole day, and it’s still bugging me now, even after about a week…

the punctuation mark that i like

.

you see that?
ok…again

.

see that?
it’s a full stop. i love full stop. period.

it means the end.
it takes a lot of courage to end. a conversation that’s engaging, it’s hard to end. a job that you have, it’s so hard to resign. a love so long, it’s so hard to say: let’s break up.

but it’s the courage that i like, that i admire. it’s sad to see, but like i’ve said, it takes courage, and that’s what i admire…

it’s a bittersweet feeling.

ok… i’m ranting away.

good night…

drink kaki, mana you?

hahah… been drunk for more than 7 nites in a row…
drink kaki, mana you?

non-drink kaki, shoot me lor, i’ll absorb all the bullets like the best car suspension ever…

is it sad to drink alone? not really… being high alone can b quite fun… you can sing all u wan. you can be all naked all you wan. you can shout at urself by the mirror and no one will think u hav gone cuckoo…

boink boink…

p.s. i don’t mean to be happy to see renae dead. i don’t hav such fetish to see stranger wishing to b e dead/ dying/ dead.

aiks? someone sharing my suicide nature?

Who is she?

Why is she hanging herself? Will I read in the papers about a blogger committing…such act?

Hey! This a suicide failure speaking here. I salute her if she really did it tonight. I’ll build a shrine if I know here? That’s what I can do at least.

I wonder if I’ll have a shrine? Nahh! I’ll just DIE lonely. My body will rot till dust and ash before someone discover. I’m a nobody, nobody I am. I mean, just a simply fact: Who knows my birthday? My long long friends can’t even remember, am I to expect strangers or new acquintances to know?

I’m no dreamer, I’m a realist.

With big news ard (AP King, and so on), I’m just gonna evaporate and no one will know…

All the best to ya!

I’m paying respect to…

Though I don’t know the post-er, but I somehow decided to wish condolence here.

It makes me feel that I should appreciate the people around me better than I should. Truth is, I DO appreciate the people around me, and I DO care… I send out birthday greetings to ppl that I know (provided that I was told before), I SMS-ed occasionally to tanya khabar… but it’s always that my effort is not appreciated… Nevermind with me, but it’s quite dampening some times, in fact most of the times…

I’m not hoping for anything in return, but it’s a personal bitter whenever I go through yet another birthday without anyone knowing it… whenever I lay on my bed all sick, and lonely… whenever my heart was hurt terribly and I have to go to some happy occasion… whenever I have to, whenver I have to…

I don’t know how, what, why, etc…. but I decided to turn off my feeling most of the time, and decided to feel numb. But the after effects do linger on. Linger on…

And so, I celebrate others’ lives, even strangers. If you see me, hug me, and I’ll hug back. I’ll give you assurance that life is good, and life will go on… And I secretly wonder if anyone can say the same thing, and act the same way back to me…

i don’t seem to be able to ping!

I don’t seem to be able to ping yesterday night.

I wonder why.

I shall try again later today. Maybe someone can shed some light?

it’s fun to watch baywatch again

Let me tell ya… it’s the best thing to drink beer.
It gives ya a kind of euphoria. Lovin’ it…

And watch Baywatch now, wow…

Baywatch reminds me of the happier times when I was younger. I used to watch it, not religously though, but I remember enjoy watching it whenever I did…

The combination of better times as a child, and high-ness, what more can I ask for?

It’s escapism. It’s bad, but I prefer to see it in a good light…

Anyway…
Like mentioned, I’ve decided on a decision.
I’ve been taken steps to see myself through that decision. It’s a very tiny baby step, but at least it’s a step taken.

I shall appreciate whatever here, whatever around me. For all those time that I did not stop to smell the roses, I will make it a point to do so soon. I shall appreciate whatever I see, whatever I hear, whatever I feel…

I shall appreciate. I just hope I’m appreciated…

it’s all so quiet….shhhh…shhhh

“It’s Oh So Quiet” by Bjork

it’s. oh. so quiet
it’a oh. so still
you’re all alone
and so peaceful until…

you fall in love
zing boom
the sky up above
zing boom
is caving in
wow bam
you’ve never been so nuts about a guy
you wanna laugh you wanna cry
you cross your heart and hope to die

’til it’s over and then
it’s nice and quiet
but soon again
starts another big riot

you blow a fuse
zing boom
the devil cuts loose
zing boom
so what’s the use
wow bam
of falling in love

it’s. oh. so quiet
it’s. oh. so still
you’re all alone
and so peaceful until…

you ring the bell
bim bam
you shout and you yell
hi ho ho
you broke the spell
gee. this is swell you almost have a fit
this guy is “gorge” and i got hit
there’s no mistake this is it

’til it’s over and then
it’s nice and quiet
but soon again
starts another big riot

you blow a fuse
zing boom
the devil cuts loose
zing boom
so what’s the use
wow bam
of falling in love

the sky caves in
the devil cuts loose
you blow blow blow blow blow your fuse
when you’ve fallen in love

ssshhhhhh…

—————————————————————–

Nope. I’m not falling in love. And it’s not all so quiet… It’s actually oh so numb…

I’m not sure how to respond exactly to most of the comments but to say thanks for your concern, thanks for your entry. I’m not worthy.

I can say for now that I’ve decided to decide; whether or not if I carry out the decision, it’s still unknown. I’m still trying to kill off my emotions, because it’s hurting. Killing my emotions would also mean that I’m no longer gonna feel the positive side. And that’s why..

it’s oh so numb… shhh…shhhh
it’a oh. so still….shhh…shhh
you’re all alone
and so peaceful until…

when?
I dunno. perhaps i shall remain numb.

Here! take my heart. I want to be a robot.

thanks for the previous comments

before getting all wasted, i’m taking this opportunity to thank the people who have penned a few words in my previous post.

trouble sensed, and i don’t deny it. perhaps i need help, but help i’ve seeked before. i know what i have to do, but it’s all about taking the first step.

i’m pretty much on the fence right now. i’m taking baby steps, baby steps i have to take. it’s just a matter which side of the fence i’ll fall.

i’m still balancing…

i’m a suicidal failure

it always amazed me, that i’m not dead by now. to count, this is the true second time i’m contemplating with the idea of suicide. it’s constantly at the back of my mind, but this is the second time, that the idea comes as close as to me touching it in front of it. the condition is pretty much similar as previous.

don’t come around and tell me to think about my family and friends. Truth is, neither think about me as to show me how truly I’ll be missed. I’m a nobody, and nobody is me…

damnit lar

it’s very sad indeed, to have only two friends.
one is a real person, and another, a bottle.

but i realized, slowly, and surely, the real person’s drifting away, and i’m left with the bottle.
i tried to curb my loneliness here, but it’s just not working. mind you, i tried… perhaps i tried too hard, i don’t know.
in any case, here i am, all alone.

i’ve made up my mind. i’m going to move on, and move on i will. in about 2 months’ time, i hope i’m gone, and for good. i’ve been thinking about it especially for these few weeks, but now, i’m sure… i’ve made up my mind. there’s just nothing here to keep me around, nothing… this will be the second time, when i feel myself all wrenched, and i’m taking action this time…

this time, i’m gone. and i’m giving myself 2 months…

p.s. and i thought you were my companion here.

getting drunk tonite again

what can i say?

was drunk yesterday night, and currently getting drunk now.

i personally like carlsberg… i enjoyed heineken too… and also singha
tiger sucks big time!

why is the sink at such level?

Guys! think about it… why is your home sink is at such convenient level?

Own up, to those know what I mean and have done it!
LOL LOL

sick and drinking

truth is this- it is bad to be sick, and drinking beer.

but the better truth is this- drinking beer let’s you forget that you are sick! and in addition, it will help me sleep better.

there! i’ve 2 good reasons for drinking when i’m now sick.